Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Dear you,

It's quite weird. I have suddenly developed a rather severe case of anxiety. It is weird, because most people would not say that I would seem like I have anxiety, but I do. Quite a bad case of it, too. I literally cannot speak to people on the phone. I feel as if I am about to fall of a cliff and into the black abyss when I do. Which, you know, is not a feeling that I particularly want to nurture.

This all came to light when I called the driving place to schedule my last two driving lessons. I just need to get them out of the way, so I can focus on other things and learn how to drive stick without worrying about lessons. I feel quite bad about not having my license. My elder brother doesn't help matters in the slightest. He guilts me into feeling horrible about myself for not having my license. Well sorry for having other things to do! Sorry for having other things to worry about! My god.

He means well, I swear he does. But he is also the person who doesn't think that my head condition is a real thing when I am incapacitated every single day. He's not the most understanding type.

It's weird having him home. I don't know if I like it or not. Whatever the case, he's here till the end of January. Best get used to him, I suppose.

Deep sigh.

Best wishes,
Me

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Dear You,

How are you tonight? If it even is night for you, I don't actually know.  How are you, right now?

Why do people ask each other how they are?  I mean, does anyone actually care about how anyone else is? Is it more a social pleasantry that people just adhere to when in actuality no one really cares about anyone else's mental or physical state?  I mean, humans are, as a general rule, pretty narcissistic.  I should know.  I am a human.  I have first hand experience.

I enjoy asking people why they are, and then watch them spiral downwards into an existential crisis.

But that might just be me.

So it is Christmas Eve Eve, for anyone who watches Friends.  The holiday season creates mixed feelings within me.  One, I love the time off, as it gives me time to unwind from life, indulge in my more introverted tendencies, and catch up sleep.  Two, usually there is snow, which I like watching fall.  Not shoveling it though.  Just the watching.  Three, I like seeing my family.  There is an addendum to this, as I like my family in small doses.  Too much time with my family makes me want to tear my hair out and yell and break things violently.  They can do that to a person.  Four, I quite enjoy holiday food.  It's pretty tasty.  Five, I suck at holiday presents.  I am terrible at giving them and terrible at receiving them.  I don't know what to do.  Do I feign extreme happiness or just go with my gut, which is telling me to be pleasantly grateful?  And don't even get me started on what happens when I try to buy gifts.  I could know a person for my whole, entire life and as soon as I get to the store to buy them a gift, I completely forget everything about them.  So I stand there looking like a nob holding a pair of socks, trying to figure out if the person I'm shopping for has feet or not.

I don't know what it is about this holiday season, but it's made me feel pretty depressed.  It's this year, it's just been weird. I've been on far too many medications to count (it's been 5) and they all mess with my internal chemistry something fierce.  Plus, I've just been put on a new one that makes me feel kind of squicky inside.  The doc said that if it made me feel gross, than I should just stop, but I figure I should give it more than one day.

Hopefully this medicine works.

Crossing my fingers.

Best wishes to you all, and have a Happy Christmas.

Me